under the eterniit roof

õrn

2011-05-28T14:57:00.002+03:00

minu ambivalentsipilve udus
oli ta niiske ja pärlendav.
mängisin maha oma raha
lootes võita tema sünnipäevakingi jaoks.
ta naeris.

põhjendusi

2011-05-24T13:40:00.003+03:00

suust mul tuleb vahtu.
ei oleks tohtinud.
nii palju piima juua.

rectangular circle of life

2011-02-22T10:32:00.000+02:00

trust meets mistrust
mistrust meets trust
trust meets mistrust
mistrust meets trust

inimlik ja jumalik iroonia

2011-01-21T15:04:00.006+02:00

"Ma olen rase."

"?!oO"

"See on minu üheöösuhetest ainus, kelle kohta ma peaaegu midagi ei tea. Ilus mees oli, ungarlane. Tal oli mingi imelik nimi, mis ei jäänud mulle meelde. Elas ta kusagil magalahoonete rägastikus."

Läitsin tema sigareti.

"Kui jumal on olemas, siis on tal väga haige huumorimeel," ütles ta.

Muigasin. "Sa saad tema huumorimeelest aru, eks ole?"

Hämmingusegune naeratus. "Jah, mul on endal ka selline."

juhtus

2010-11-04T13:16:00.002+02:00

ükskord ei olnud ma katalüsaator.
vallandamas reaktsiooni.
vaatamas seda lõbustunud pilgul.

indutseeritud detonatsioon

2010-09-08T20:41:00.006+03:00

kogemata ütlesin õlekõrrele,
et ta on sild.
seepeale ta varises kokku.

triviaalne

2010-08-26T21:43:00.004+03:00

nii lihtne mida ma vajan.
ühte püsivat punkti maailmas.
ma olin see ise.

avastasin, et on keegi toredam.
aga tema ei ole kunagi minuga.
kuigi ta ei ole surnud.

nii mul ei ole seda punkti.

lahendaja

2010-08-24T14:02:00.003+03:00

miks ma ei tea.
kuidas mitte hulluks minna.

keerdkäigud

2010-06-07T21:52:00.002+03:00

sinu ilus krussis aju
vedeleb kõnniteeäärel.
kuhu see hüpates jäi.

layers of self-destruction

2010-05-24T15:19:00.011+03:00

one more gin for your GABA receptors.
to dull the mind and lessen sensations in the brain.

ah, you can feel sensations in the brain?
is that not schizophrenia?

shut up, you convincing fucker.

misinterpretatsioon

2010-05-06T22:30:00.005+03:00

sa oleksid võinud mu tükkideks rebida.
lüüa minusse mitmeharulise kahvli.
läbi külje, harud paistmas.
ma ei oleks pahandanud.
aga selliseid momente ei ole lihtne ära tunda.
nii need mööduvad.

küsimus

2010-05-02T15:24:00.002+03:00

miks ei või mina
lahistada nutta
nagu propelleriga mootorpaat?

vees

2010-03-04T22:03:00.003+02:00

kasvatada endale õllekõht,
nahk varvaste vahele.
pinnal püsida.
peaaegu rabelemata.

valentine

2010-02-16T14:45:00.009+02:00

I would like to send you my nightmares,
to scare you into my embrace.
But you would see them and laugh,
and my little wretched heart would explode.

bussis

2010-02-07T10:44:00.002+02:00

olen valge leht.
kägaras.
rullige mind lahti.
siluge.
kirjutage midagi.

disassociation at -25.3 C

2010-01-26T12:50:00.001+02:00

i do not feel cold.
i eat raw lemons.
how sweet.

noor kahvanägu

2010-01-19T20:27:00.004+02:00

sõin rosoljet.
kujutasin endale ette, et see on apatšide rahvusroog.
toodud nendeni valge õpetlase Klekih-Petra poolt.
tehtud pueblos indiaaninaiste poolt.
säilitatud savinõudes.

nii maitsev.
heeringas.
punapeet.

indiaanlased sellest vaimustunult rääkimas.

tõsta juurde.
korrata.

mõnus.

tee hullumajja

2009-12-04T09:59:00.002+02:00

reaalajas moduleerisin
signaale vastuvõetavaks.
kogu elu.

siis lõpetasin.

võlts

2009-11-29T08:42:00.003+02:00

pahupidi siil
veereb männimetsa all
okas sees ja väljas

teadmine

2009-11-21T15:35:00.002+02:00

kui avastada midagi ei ole
lõika mu silmisse huumoriprisma
muidu ma tapan ennast

kadunud

2009-09-06T15:12:00.003+03:00

see sõna ei ole "dementne".
see sõna on midagi muud.
aga mis.
ei mäleta.

helgeid hetki

2009-06-24T09:51:00.003+03:00

viiksin end sinu tagahoovi,
jätaksin kompostihunnikusse kõduma.
leiaksid mu kevadel,
laotaksid lillepeenrasse.

väga vana lugu

2009-05-26T23:24:00.004+03:00

Ma kõnnin tänaval.
Mu ümber illusiooni projektsioonid.
Ja mina nende tsentris.
Nartsiss!

at the library

2008-05-26T23:17:00.001+03:00

hot sun through roof-window
straight at the top of my head.
my stateless mind burns
and my light skin.

erasures without consequence

2007-10-16T01:43:00.000+03:00

Today I got rid of some files that were not intended for removal. Had been long since last such mistake. Lapse happened immediately after user switch:

user@host ~ $ su
Password:
host user # rm -rf tmp
^C^C^C^C

Deletion of '/root/tmp' was intended but 'su' in place of 'su -' did not switch working directory and deletion of '/home/user/tmp'
began instead. Truly trivial. Surely it has happened many times before.

Since this was my own 'tmp' folder that contains both useless and useful crap I desired to know whether anything worth rescuing was really lost¹. Quite unexpectedly user switching proved very useful for identifying lost files:

user@host ~ $ locate --version
Secure Locate 2.7 - Released January 24, 2003

Good.²

user@host ~ $ su -
host ~ # locate /home/user/tmp > /home/user/rootview.txt
host ~ # exit
user@host ~ $ locate /home/user/tmp > userview.txt
user@host ~ $ diff rootview.txt userview.txt | grep "<" > lost.txt
user@host ~ $ wc -l lost.txt
1490 lost.txt

1490 lost files is quite a big number. But those did not contain my life. Just pieces of others' lives. Pictures of weddings I did not attend and vCards of people who I had no intention of contacting. No problem.

----------------------------------------------------
¹—No, I don't do backups. Someday will. Really.
²—Secure Locate is a replacement for GNU Locate. Secure Locate indexes entire filesystem into database, but to non-privileged users it only shows the files that they currently can see.

hectic lecture schedules

2007-09-22T12:52:00.000+03:00

Every school's online system should have an (iCal/.../...) export option for the personal course plan.

Thankfully my uni has (much-loathed) online student information system, which among other things allows one to look at generated course schedule plan. My plan is especially hectic this semester—subjects are scattered around without any apparent patterns. I have printed this out but there are chances that I forget to look at it at right time or lose the track of which week of the semester is currently in progress and definitely just forget to attend some classes.

Finally I resorted to manually entering the course plan into Google Calendar and setting SMS notifications for the irregular classes. That took a lot of time because so few things could be marked 'reoccuring every ...'.

Of course I would be even happier when every page that somehow deals with future events would have an easy option to get those events into my calendar. But for schools/conferences this is such a basic feature that should always be present.

message on a park bench

2006-10-03T23:23:00.000+03:00

I have tried to quit smoking for almost 6 years. Longest period I have actually managed to be without cigarettes is about three months. It was a beautiful time—I was afraid that I would die soon and had a nice conscious awareness of all my surroundings. Now I have just resorted to smoking my friends' cigarettes and try to avoid buying a pack myself. If I buy a pack I tend to either finish it very fast or throw it away after having smoked three or four cigarettes in a short timeframe.

Today late evening I left one pack on a park bench. I hope some like-minded bypasser picks these up, lights just one, leaves remaining on the same bench and continues on his/her way through the calm and cool autumn night.

unconscious egocentric

2006-08-29T21:11:00.000+03:00

I had troubles falling asleep last night and about 2 at night took a sleeping pill; the second I have ever taken. Me getting up in the morning is old habitual routine—at 6 some wake-up music plays (currently it is Wild Strawberries—"I Don't Want to Think About It"), I wake up for a minute, let the melodies embrace me, fall asleep again and open my eyes voluntarily about 9. Which is really fine time for getting up.

From my lunch with coworkers I left early to have a walk, smoke a cigarette, achieve a sense of awakening. I did not pay the bill before I left, but on the walk I picked up some money from the ATM to compensate whoever ended up paying for my lunch.

Until the late afternoon I was not entirely there—looking at familiar places and people, but feeling strangely distant. I had some troubles with migrating a another teams project code to newer libraries; application menus just did not appear, although the configuration was copied from another machine, where things somewhat worked. Software ignoring people.

When leaving the office I narrowly missed the mass transport and walked to nearby shopping centre to buy some food for the evening. Picked up a cheese and big Earl Grey Extra, walked to the cashier, mentally ready to present both my debit and client card as I have done hundreds times before. I did not find debit card in my wallet however. Realization that I had left my card at the ATM was immediate, calm and unsurprising. I had almost exact amount of cash for buying what i had picked up.

Sparkles of self-irony lurking in my unconcentrated mind, I walked another hundred meters to next bus stop, checked the schedule; smelly bus was about to arrive in 5 minutes.

It did not. That line is supposed to run at about 20 min intervals. I cannot stand waiting, so I took a walk to the ATM where I had lost my card when the bus schedule had slipped more than 10 minutes. Imagining my nice blue card lying on the side of the ATM keyboard. Being quite near to my office I smiled to myself, went to my nice place at the nice office, sat behind my nice computer, logged into my evil moneygrabbing bank.

Your Information->Cards->YOU HAVE NO CARDS.

Right. Left the office, went to the bus station. One bus came in after another but not one I was waiting for. I waited for half an hour seeing all kinds of mass transport passing by, many of them driving quite near to my destination, skipping them all in the favour of one that i was waiting for. Hugely delayed, a bus finally arrived, not straight down the street like usually, but from another street, out of the route. There was a blonde girl with nice smile on that bus. And loads of people I could not stand, if I knew them.

When arriving home, I felt strangely excited. Nothing out of ordinary has taken place though. Disappointing. I had rare opportunity calmly and superiorly face despair, love, and neighbours.

Fate of my card was very trivial. As no other people were waiting in line, ATM ate and shredded it, new one is already on the way and supposed to arrive at Friday.